after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
