It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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