You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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