if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
