My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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