were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
