the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I supernannyed him into submission
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
