I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
