He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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