I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
