FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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