I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
