I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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