Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
