Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize