My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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