Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
