Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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