Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's blow job season.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
