She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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