I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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