I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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