im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize