Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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