I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
