i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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