hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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