Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
