in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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