Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
