You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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