If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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