Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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