totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
