When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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