Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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