My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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