I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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