He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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