the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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