I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
