Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
