Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
