Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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