i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
