You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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