i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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