She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
