im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
