I'm gonna have a badass scar
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
