IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Bring me that man meat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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