I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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