At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
