party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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