i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She bit a glass in half.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
