fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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