I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
