your parents love me but you hate me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Randomize
