I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
