You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
