There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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