He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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