I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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