I heard we made out
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
