I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
