Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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