I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize