Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
